Looking at the days of February 2011, I cant believe I had the most realization so far. Three weeks ago, I went to visit Iligan, the very first place I spent my days with after graduation. I had a lot of friends there, some of them I remembered by name but not by faces or maybe vice versa.
I remembered way back 1997, I went on a pact with a friend. We agreed to meet again in the same place in the year 2016. This would be after 20 years if we count way back that year. My recent vacation there suddenly made me realize how bleak the future is. That friend I am supposed to meet is definitely not going there on that designated date. She is dead. The landmark that we agreed on is no longer there. Though I can still define the boundaries, I cant deny the fact that it totally looked different now. So there would be no point of going there in 2016. It will just make matters worst. I can tell. If only ghost can walk and talk...I will surely be there.
I was with my little girl and my husband who is coincidentally from that place. Though, we did not meet there; it is amazing that he always remind me of my life there 13 years ago. My lifetime bestfriend is also from there too. She was partly the reason why I visited that place.
Though it was supposed to be a feel-good trip, It created a nostalgic feeling instead. Yeah, there were a couple of friends and a couple of places to remember. However they just made me feel the empty space even more, that space vacated by one special friend.
The pact was a great mistake after all. We should have never agreed on it in the first place I guess. It is just making things a little heavy these days. The trip could have been refreshing if not for the emotions it evoked. I remembered good times that felt like bad times, too many memorable places that felt good when not remembered at all. They reminded me of memories that were too good but as the future took over, became spoiled and screwed up. By my own definition, good memories collectively means heartache down memory lane.
Thus, I should say the future is really bleak. The future of 1997 had already taken place, took a toll on me, stressed and pained me..if there is such a word as pained...In fact things that I did not expect to happen happened, there were a number of those If I should recall and I remember losing control over them. When I say lost control, I mean I got totally crazy at one point but fortunately got back my sanity over a number of self medication and therapy.
Let me hold my breath now for the future of that future. Let me reserve a space in my imagination that somehow, the good times that turned bad will eventually proved to be better than good. Let me hope for the bleakness of the future to just be a temporal thing, so that I would not consider that part of my life as the dark Age, recession, pandemonium, etc....Personally today, I think it would be unfair for me to tag such terminologies to one of the most important places in my life but there is a need for me to acknowledge these feelings I had after that visit....I could be wrong of course and I will realize that in the bleak future. Hopefully...
