Carmel could not believe what she heard. It was just seventeen days since she and Amy went out for lunch...and the voice that echoed on the other end of the line was Amy's sister telling her of Amy's death.
She dropped the line and leaned on that red sofa next to her.
She was cleaning her closet and was browsing through the old albums she had managed to keep over the years when the telephone rang. She hesitated for a minute, not expecting any call at wee hours like this. It could be bad, she muttered.
May Eight, Amy called her and invited her for lunch at the famous Cake House two kilometers away from the Municipal Library where the two of them used to work. It was both a reunion for the two at the same time unwinding for Carmel who had been pretty busy investigating a rape case next town. Amy was then an assistant Librarian and Carmel just started her budding career as a police investigator. They both shared laughter and tears over the years with their friendship which rooted from a common ground, Esperanza, their hometown. It had been five years since they last seen each other communicating just through snail mail, the only means available in their generation.
Carmel moved on with her life marrying another fellow officer, had four kids and transferred to a new assignment while Amy moved on to become a Government School Teacher in one of a far flung areas in Balingan. It was there where she met her second true love, got married and bore two kids Shena and Vic.
She remembered her last conversation with Amy. Carmel thought Amy was just joking about her illness. She wanted Carmel to tell her husband not to marry soon after her death. She didn't want the kids to be totally all by themselves. Amy was telling all this openly without any trace of sadness which caused Carmel not to take her seriously. However, the last call she received that day was indeed a confirmation that Amy's gone. Gone for the final time.
She browsed the album again. She recognized by the looks of the scrap, this was her 1980 album that she shared with Amy. She specially designed this Only for her picture and Amy's. This used to bring vibrancy and inspiration. This previously told about the triumph that She and Amy jointly achieved, running here and there in the arena of life. All of a sudden, that pink cover looked gloomy and stingy.It suddenly looked so melancholic and treacherous. Treacherous because it was telling a different story now different from what it always told her day to day in the last 25 years.
Amy was an inspiration to her. She was the most handy source of light when hers fail in most of life's difficult phases.
She always look up at Amy's disposition as the ultimate guide to achieving something despite any odds.
They were both 18 when Amy dated a muscled, finely-chiseled guy in town who came out from an Army class of 87. He was tall, dark and handsome man who captured all hearts nearby. Amy was just too excited on their first date being the only girl in town she dated for some reason.
They dated for a year before Amy trusted him with everything. Aside from the glow of happiness in Amy's eyes, Carmel just couldn't deny that Amy and Romy were too good together except that Romy's mother openly suggested her objection to the relationship noting that Amy came from a simple brood. This did not deter the two from continuing their relationship. Like Amy, Carmel then slowly trusted Romy with her friend.
One day, Amy asked Carmel to come to their house. Carmel was shocked to find out Amy's pregnancy. It became even more complicated as Romy denied assuming his responsibility afraid of his clan's reaction. Amy was then left in an open field with painful accusations from everywhere blaming her. Though, her family stood beside Amy, it was so clear that she got devastated with the turn of events. She, at some point went to Romy's house to talk to him regarding her pregnancy. Romy's mother who was not in favor of their relationship repeatedly lambasted her of ill talks. Carmel at several occasion saw Amy cried hard for the unfair treatment of the would be grandmother of her baby...but Amy rose again from that fall. She willingly carried the responsibility of child bearing. She proudly stood before her neighbors, sell Potato chip, Camote cue, and peanut retail packs to save for their future. With her action, obviously she wanted to tell the people that she was responsible in facing the consequence of her actions. Since that day, Amy strived harder put up her own "sari-sari Store"
a filipino term for store selling various items.
In 1981, Carmel remembered painfully how Amy survived her first death. Since she did not mind the time of the day and the season when she would vend her Camote Cues and Banana cues, she was infected with Typhoid fever and was brought to the hospital in the city. Her family who lacked financial stability, raised money from donations. Everyone who knew her and pitied her situation did not hesitate to lend money for her medicines and hospital bills. Eventually, because she was pregnant , both Amy and the baby died. The doctor declared her dead. Her family and friend sadly reported her death over the local radio station and instantly it reaped blames for Romy and Romy's family who did not even shed a penny for Amy's situation.
Carmel paused for awhile with this recollection. She could not hold her tears anymore. This was the first time she lost Amy.
to be continued...............
Thursday, July 28, 2011
One day in the Life of a Soldier
I am Philippine Army T Sgt. Baltazar Cena.
Address: Block 15 Lot 18 Xavier Heights Cagayan de Oro Philippines
contact numbers: 0928358128 c/o my sister
This is my story!
by: Franca
I had been in the battlefield for more than twenty years since I joined the army in the 80's; part of the special forces team of the 8IB of the 4ID Brigade in Mindanao. Our operations focused mainly with the insurgents calling themselves New People's Army, a division of the CPP-NPA, whose Headquarter is said to be somewhere in Europe.
The insurgents had maintained strong command in the mountains of Southern Mindanao. In the 80's and the 90's road ambushes and the term "SALVAGED" was coined referring to either civilian, or NPA member or government soldier being killed. Salvaging, gained a new definition and became quite popular, successfully creating a steer in the government and fear in the people of Mindanao.
Agusan Province, the most violent place in the Island for more than two decades became a mass grave of both innocent civillians, NPA and the Armies. It became the most dreaded destination for most newly graduated Army trainees.
In the early 1990s, I was assigned in the area. I must admit even a well trained soldier like me felt the greatest fear for my life.
I had formal training on air, water, and ground assault but I wasn't spared. Originally my team was for Iraq assignment when the great middle East Crisis occurred. Even then, the training did not spare me from imagining horrors of NPA's wild tortures.
My loved ones had sleepless nights for the first six months of that crucial assignment in my career. My mother, did not let an hour pass without offering any prayers for my team's safety.
I was born Roman Catholic but never led a prayerful life. However, my would be destination deviated all that. It seemed that the only weapon that was invincible at that time was prayer....a Latin prayer.
So I began looking at the possibility of getting a little lift of spirit from my Grandmother.
Before she died, she was known to have granted one man all her powerful prayers. The prayers according to rumors were in a tiny booklet and was written in Latin. This was handed from one generation to generation. Only the booklet chooses where it should be passed. Only the current possessor knows how to determine the next booklet keeper. Nobody knew where it was, and who could that person be.
The booklet remained a mystery until today. No one was able to prove it, but apparently no one was also able to disprove its existence .
A few said, it was handed to my mom or one of her siblings, but all of them just gave nods of denial giving everyone just a sarcastic smile.
Personally, I did not show any interest with Latin prayers known to be powerful in battlefields. Stories about St. James the warrior, or about a Latin chant giving off special powers is uttered the right way. All of these accordingly were on my Granny's possession.
Everyone in this remote locality talked about it. They even shared seeing my Grandmother talked to a spirit of a dead man asking for her intercession. They also talked about an enchanted "Gabi" leaves ( a kind of root crop) that Grandma used amidst the storm. She reportedly showed upone night at my Aunt's doorstep dry and well after leaving her typhoon stricken Nipa Hut in the middle of the raging rain. She was also known of keeping the sun from setting while they were on their 8-kilometer walk from my Uncle's place back to their home.
My father, talked about a certain mystic creature that saved them one stormy night in the middle of the ocean as they sailed to the infamous Camiguin Island north of Cagayan de Oro City. Their boat was about to capsized when Granny ordered everyone to step out of it. With uncertain looks and reluctant emotion they obeyed her and stepped into the wide ocean. To their surprise, they were standing on a huge creature that doesn't seem to move.
Camiguin Province , a secluded island in Northern Mindanao honed my Grandmother's enchanted personality. Mysterious as she was, she gained our full respect. Even my grandfather, failed to have Lola admit her supernatural powers.
Shortly before granny's death, I had the chance to have a heart to heart talk with her. She laughed and just shrugged her shoulders, denying that she was a keeper of the booklet of POWER. In an hour of memorable conversation, I had nothing to say but complete admiration of a strong and spirited woman. Before we ended that day, she blessed me though by putting her two weak hands on my head; and prayerfully closed her eyes with obvious chant for blessings.
That was all. No booklet, no latin prayer. Nothing at all.
I just went back to my day after day hurdles, battle after battle, horrors of death after death hoping to cheat death every single second of the day.
There would be days when the encounters would closely take me; but it never brought me down. In fact, I had series of impossible missions. I surpassed them all without the booklet.
Until one day, I met a man.
Bearded with white hair from ears circling its chin with hairs extending up to the abdomen, he looked like a hermit as I imagined. He was covered with uncleaned clothes and looked tired and exhausted from days of traveling by foot. He had few centavo-coins wrapped in hankies hidden under those big body wraps that extended from head to toe. His feet calloused and unwashed turned brown and resembled more of a ginger than a human feet.
He excitedly turned around when he heard my voice. I told him to beware, the next mountain would be risky for him. He waited for me to finally reach a foot away from him and laid his hands motioning towards that one flat bottle of wine called Anejo Rhum. He was feeling cold by the looks of it, so I summoned the lady in that store to open the bottle for him.
I sat next to him and examined his stressed eyes. What was he doing in the middle of this killing field? I could sense something beyond. Creepy and unexplained, I then remembered the Latin booklet. Could he be sent by Granny? No way, I said disagreeing my thoughts. It had been five years since Granny's death.
Just as I was enveloped with wonder, the man finished his wine and took his wrapped coins. I told him to keep it.
He thankfully handed me a note and instructed me to open only when I would be in my fiercest battle. He even suggested to perform a ritual to be done only on the eve of Good Friday in the nearest local cemetery.
I immediately obeyed his advice. I completed all the rituals, lit candles in an open skull which situated in the middle of a mass grave. Though I was curious, I never dared to disobey his instruction.
It had been two years that I kept the piece of paper, when the "BATTLE" took place.
It was in the late 90's my fiercest fight happened. Stray bullets that came from nowhere rained from every direction. We were forcibly held against firing at an unseen opponent amidst the misty and foggy dawn of April 5. It was my grandmother's birthday.
I was taken aback with the train of coincidence. It was Good Friday too and the government declared a national ceasefire to honor the Holy Week.
As Roman Catholics, we were taken by surprise by the sheer disrespect of the holy week and the clear violation of the governments declaration of ceasefire. Even with the confused thoughts, I have to focus on the opponents advances.
It was then in this battle that I decided to finally open the man's note wrapped in small foil that was kept in my wallet for two years. I slowly opened it, closed my eyes and expected to read Latin words that would spare me from that great distress. It was partially blurry. It was hard to read in the dark.
It was dawn and I had only one piece of 10-inch slab hiding me from the enemies. I wiped the cold sweat off my lids and without batting an eyelash carefully read the note. It read "God is good no matter where". It was not in latin at all, it was purely in vernacular. If I was not in the middle of danger, I would surely laugh to death....but it was impossible to even sculpt a weak smile. I t was not what I expected but I took it seriously, It could mean something I thought...and it did really mean more. It rouses my spirit that indeed God is good no matter where. I was in the middle of the enemy line but God is still good, I muttered.
I immediately ordered my man to save their ammunition, fire only when enemies cross the line and when we could see them.
Minutes after we did not return their fires, the enemies left.
We waited and waited until finally, sun peeped on us and it felt like we've cheated death easily. How and how? I wasn't too sure and I did not bother to ask. I just took the message simply.
What's the realization?
For most of the time we longed for supernatural things to take over our fate; and for para-normal answers to stop our manly inquisitions. We couldn't just accept that life has its own way of answering questions that we can't fully comprehend. Things just happen and for whatever reason, we need not know and we need not complain. The note was as simple as how we were delivered from the enemies that day.
For me the search for the latin booklet ended right there and then.
Address: Block 15 Lot 18 Xavier Heights Cagayan de Oro Philippines
contact numbers: 0928358128 c/o my sister
This is my story!
by: Franca
I had been in the battlefield for more than twenty years since I joined the army in the 80's; part of the special forces team of the 8IB of the 4ID Brigade in Mindanao. Our operations focused mainly with the insurgents calling themselves New People's Army, a division of the CPP-NPA, whose Headquarter is said to be somewhere in Europe.
The insurgents had maintained strong command in the mountains of Southern Mindanao. In the 80's and the 90's road ambushes and the term "SALVAGED" was coined referring to either civilian, or NPA member or government soldier being killed. Salvaging, gained a new definition and became quite popular, successfully creating a steer in the government and fear in the people of Mindanao.
Agusan Province, the most violent place in the Island for more than two decades became a mass grave of both innocent civillians, NPA and the Armies. It became the most dreaded destination for most newly graduated Army trainees.
In the early 1990s, I was assigned in the area. I must admit even a well trained soldier like me felt the greatest fear for my life.
I had formal training on air, water, and ground assault but I wasn't spared. Originally my team was for Iraq assignment when the great middle East Crisis occurred. Even then, the training did not spare me from imagining horrors of NPA's wild tortures.
My loved ones had sleepless nights for the first six months of that crucial assignment in my career. My mother, did not let an hour pass without offering any prayers for my team's safety.
I was born Roman Catholic but never led a prayerful life. However, my would be destination deviated all that. It seemed that the only weapon that was invincible at that time was prayer....a Latin prayer.
So I began looking at the possibility of getting a little lift of spirit from my Grandmother.
Before she died, she was known to have granted one man all her powerful prayers. The prayers according to rumors were in a tiny booklet and was written in Latin. This was handed from one generation to generation. Only the booklet chooses where it should be passed. Only the current possessor knows how to determine the next booklet keeper. Nobody knew where it was, and who could that person be.
The booklet remained a mystery until today. No one was able to prove it, but apparently no one was also able to disprove its existence .
A few said, it was handed to my mom or one of her siblings, but all of them just gave nods of denial giving everyone just a sarcastic smile.
Personally, I did not show any interest with Latin prayers known to be powerful in battlefields. Stories about St. James the warrior, or about a Latin chant giving off special powers is uttered the right way. All of these accordingly were on my Granny's possession.
Everyone in this remote locality talked about it. They even shared seeing my Grandmother talked to a spirit of a dead man asking for her intercession. They also talked about an enchanted "Gabi" leaves ( a kind of root crop) that Grandma used amidst the storm. She reportedly showed upone night at my Aunt's doorstep dry and well after leaving her typhoon stricken Nipa Hut in the middle of the raging rain. She was also known of keeping the sun from setting while they were on their 8-kilometer walk from my Uncle's place back to their home.
My father, talked about a certain mystic creature that saved them one stormy night in the middle of the ocean as they sailed to the infamous Camiguin Island north of Cagayan de Oro City. Their boat was about to capsized when Granny ordered everyone to step out of it. With uncertain looks and reluctant emotion they obeyed her and stepped into the wide ocean. To their surprise, they were standing on a huge creature that doesn't seem to move.
Camiguin Province , a secluded island in Northern Mindanao honed my Grandmother's enchanted personality. Mysterious as she was, she gained our full respect. Even my grandfather, failed to have Lola admit her supernatural powers.
Shortly before granny's death, I had the chance to have a heart to heart talk with her. She laughed and just shrugged her shoulders, denying that she was a keeper of the booklet of POWER. In an hour of memorable conversation, I had nothing to say but complete admiration of a strong and spirited woman. Before we ended that day, she blessed me though by putting her two weak hands on my head; and prayerfully closed her eyes with obvious chant for blessings.
That was all. No booklet, no latin prayer. Nothing at all.
I just went back to my day after day hurdles, battle after battle, horrors of death after death hoping to cheat death every single second of the day.
There would be days when the encounters would closely take me; but it never brought me down. In fact, I had series of impossible missions. I surpassed them all without the booklet.
Until one day, I met a man.
Bearded with white hair from ears circling its chin with hairs extending up to the abdomen, he looked like a hermit as I imagined. He was covered with uncleaned clothes and looked tired and exhausted from days of traveling by foot. He had few centavo-coins wrapped in hankies hidden under those big body wraps that extended from head to toe. His feet calloused and unwashed turned brown and resembled more of a ginger than a human feet.
He excitedly turned around when he heard my voice. I told him to beware, the next mountain would be risky for him. He waited for me to finally reach a foot away from him and laid his hands motioning towards that one flat bottle of wine called Anejo Rhum. He was feeling cold by the looks of it, so I summoned the lady in that store to open the bottle for him.
I sat next to him and examined his stressed eyes. What was he doing in the middle of this killing field? I could sense something beyond. Creepy and unexplained, I then remembered the Latin booklet. Could he be sent by Granny? No way, I said disagreeing my thoughts. It had been five years since Granny's death.
Just as I was enveloped with wonder, the man finished his wine and took his wrapped coins. I told him to keep it.
He thankfully handed me a note and instructed me to open only when I would be in my fiercest battle. He even suggested to perform a ritual to be done only on the eve of Good Friday in the nearest local cemetery.
I immediately obeyed his advice. I completed all the rituals, lit candles in an open skull which situated in the middle of a mass grave. Though I was curious, I never dared to disobey his instruction.
It had been two years that I kept the piece of paper, when the "BATTLE" took place.
It was in the late 90's my fiercest fight happened. Stray bullets that came from nowhere rained from every direction. We were forcibly held against firing at an unseen opponent amidst the misty and foggy dawn of April 5. It was my grandmother's birthday.
I was taken aback with the train of coincidence. It was Good Friday too and the government declared a national ceasefire to honor the Holy Week.
As Roman Catholics, we were taken by surprise by the sheer disrespect of the holy week and the clear violation of the governments declaration of ceasefire. Even with the confused thoughts, I have to focus on the opponents advances.
It was then in this battle that I decided to finally open the man's note wrapped in small foil that was kept in my wallet for two years. I slowly opened it, closed my eyes and expected to read Latin words that would spare me from that great distress. It was partially blurry. It was hard to read in the dark.
It was dawn and I had only one piece of 10-inch slab hiding me from the enemies. I wiped the cold sweat off my lids and without batting an eyelash carefully read the note. It read "God is good no matter where". It was not in latin at all, it was purely in vernacular. If I was not in the middle of danger, I would surely laugh to death....but it was impossible to even sculpt a weak smile. I t was not what I expected but I took it seriously, It could mean something I thought...and it did really mean more. It rouses my spirit that indeed God is good no matter where. I was in the middle of the enemy line but God is still good, I muttered.
I immediately ordered my man to save their ammunition, fire only when enemies cross the line and when we could see them.
Minutes after we did not return their fires, the enemies left.
We waited and waited until finally, sun peeped on us and it felt like we've cheated death easily. How and how? I wasn't too sure and I did not bother to ask. I just took the message simply.
What's the realization?
For most of the time we longed for supernatural things to take over our fate; and for para-normal answers to stop our manly inquisitions. We couldn't just accept that life has its own way of answering questions that we can't fully comprehend. Things just happen and for whatever reason, we need not know and we need not complain. The note was as simple as how we were delivered from the enemies that day.
For me the search for the latin booklet ended right there and then.
Funny Life (contributed to Reader's Digest Asia)
We are devoted Catholics and we tell our children to pray. We also trained them to call Virgin Mary as MAMA MARY and Jesus Christ as PAPA Jesus.
My four year-old daughter asked me one day...Mom, is Papa Jesus married to Mama Mary?
"Nope, She is her mom" I replied.
Without batting an eyelash she excitedly suggested, "So why don't we call her Granny Mary?"
My four year-old daughter asked me one day...Mom, is Papa Jesus married to Mama Mary?
"Nope, She is her mom" I replied.
Without batting an eyelash she excitedly suggested, "So why don't we call her Granny Mary?"
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Are you within the range of Normality?
From Paulo Coelho's Blog:
I just want to share this here, I find it really amusing. Find time to read.
1] Anything that makes us forget our true identity and our dreams and makes us only work to produce and reproduce.
2] Making rules for a war (the Geneva Convention).
3] Spending years at university and then not being able to find a job.
4] Working from nine in the morning to five in the afternoon at something that does not give us the least pleasure, so that we can retire after 30 years.
5] Retiring only to discover that we have no more energy to enjoy life, and then dying of boredom after a few years.
6] Using Botox.
7] Trying to be financially successful instead of seeking happiness.
8] Ridiculing those who seek happiness instead of money by calling them “people with no ambition”.
9] Comparing objects like cars, houses and clothes, and defining life according to these comparisons instead of really trying to find out the true reason for being alive.
10] Not talking to strangers. Saying nasty things about our neighbors.
11] Thinking that parents are always right.
12] Getting married, having children and staying together even though the love has gone, claiming that it’s for the sake of the children (who do not seem to be listening to the constant arguments).
12ยช] Criticizing everybody who tries to be different.
14] Waking up with a hysterical alarm-clock at the bedside.
15] Believing in everything that is printed.
16] Wearing a piece of colored cloth wrapped around the neck, known by the pompous name “necktie”.
17] Never asking direct questions, even though the other person understands what you want to know.
18] Keeping a smile on your face when you really want to cry. And feeling sorry for those who show their own feelings.
19] Thinking that art is worth a fortune, or that it is worth absolutely nothing.
20] Always despising what was easily gained, because the “necessary sacrifice” – and therefore also the required qualities – are missing.
21] Following fashion, even though it all looks ridiculous and uncomfortable.
22] Being convinced that all the famous people have tons of money.
23] Investing a lot in exterior beauty and paying little attention to interior beauty.
24] Using all possible means to show that even though you are a normal person, you are infinitely superior to other human beings.
25] In any kind of public transport, never looking straight into the eyes of the other passengers, as this may be taken for attempting to seduce them.
26] When in an elevator, looking straight at the door and pretending you are the only person inside, however crowded it may be.
27] Never laughing out loud in a restaurant, no matter how funny the story is.
28] In the Northern hemisphere, always wearing the clothes that match the season of the year: short sleeves in springtime (however cold it may be) and a woolen jacket in the fall (no matter how warm it is).
29] In the Southern hemisphere, decorating the Christmas tree with cotton wool, even though winter has nothing to do with the birth of Christ.
30] As you grow older, thinking you are the wisest man in the world, even though not always do you have enough life experience to know what is wrong.
31] Going to a charity event and thinking that it is enough to put an end to all the social inequalities in the world.
32] Eating three times a day, even when not hungry.
33] Believing that the others are always better at everything: they are better-looking, more resourceful, richer and more intelligent. Since it’s very risky to venture beyond your own limits, it’s better to do nothing.
34] Using the car as a way to feel powerful and in control of the world.
35] Using foul language in traffic.
36] Thinking that everything your child does wrong is the fault of the company he or she is keeping.
37] Marrying the first person who offers a position in society. Love can wait.
38] Always saying “I tried”, even though you haven’t tried at all.
39] Putting off doing the most interesting things in life until you no longer have the strength to do them.
40] Avoiding depression with massive daily doses of television programs.
41] Believing that it is possible to be sure of everything you have won.
42] Thinking that women don’t like football and that men don’t like interior decoration.
43] Blaming the government for everything bad that happens.
44] Being convinced that being a good, decent and respectful person means that the others will find you weak, vulnerable and easy to manipulate.
45] Being convinced that aggressiveness and discourtesy in treating others are signs of a powerful personality.
46] Being afraid of fibroscopy (men) and childbirth (women).
47] And finally, thinking that your religion is the sole proprietor of the absolute truth, the most important, the best, and that the other human beings in this immense planet who believe in any other manifestation of God are condemned to the fires of hell.
________________________
I just want to share this here, I find it really amusing. Find time to read.
1] Anything that makes us forget our true identity and our dreams and makes us only work to produce and reproduce.
2] Making rules for a war (the Geneva Convention).
3] Spending years at university and then not being able to find a job.
4] Working from nine in the morning to five in the afternoon at something that does not give us the least pleasure, so that we can retire after 30 years.
5] Retiring only to discover that we have no more energy to enjoy life, and then dying of boredom after a few years.
6] Using Botox.
7] Trying to be financially successful instead of seeking happiness.
8] Ridiculing those who seek happiness instead of money by calling them “people with no ambition”.
9] Comparing objects like cars, houses and clothes, and defining life according to these comparisons instead of really trying to find out the true reason for being alive.
10] Not talking to strangers. Saying nasty things about our neighbors.
11] Thinking that parents are always right.
12] Getting married, having children and staying together even though the love has gone, claiming that it’s for the sake of the children (who do not seem to be listening to the constant arguments).
12ยช] Criticizing everybody who tries to be different.
14] Waking up with a hysterical alarm-clock at the bedside.
15] Believing in everything that is printed.
16] Wearing a piece of colored cloth wrapped around the neck, known by the pompous name “necktie”.
17] Never asking direct questions, even though the other person understands what you want to know.
18] Keeping a smile on your face when you really want to cry. And feeling sorry for those who show their own feelings.
19] Thinking that art is worth a fortune, or that it is worth absolutely nothing.
20] Always despising what was easily gained, because the “necessary sacrifice” – and therefore also the required qualities – are missing.
21] Following fashion, even though it all looks ridiculous and uncomfortable.
22] Being convinced that all the famous people have tons of money.
23] Investing a lot in exterior beauty and paying little attention to interior beauty.
24] Using all possible means to show that even though you are a normal person, you are infinitely superior to other human beings.
25] In any kind of public transport, never looking straight into the eyes of the other passengers, as this may be taken for attempting to seduce them.
26] When in an elevator, looking straight at the door and pretending you are the only person inside, however crowded it may be.
27] Never laughing out loud in a restaurant, no matter how funny the story is.
28] In the Northern hemisphere, always wearing the clothes that match the season of the year: short sleeves in springtime (however cold it may be) and a woolen jacket in the fall (no matter how warm it is).
29] In the Southern hemisphere, decorating the Christmas tree with cotton wool, even though winter has nothing to do with the birth of Christ.
30] As you grow older, thinking you are the wisest man in the world, even though not always do you have enough life experience to know what is wrong.
31] Going to a charity event and thinking that it is enough to put an end to all the social inequalities in the world.
32] Eating three times a day, even when not hungry.
33] Believing that the others are always better at everything: they are better-looking, more resourceful, richer and more intelligent. Since it’s very risky to venture beyond your own limits, it’s better to do nothing.
34] Using the car as a way to feel powerful and in control of the world.
35] Using foul language in traffic.
36] Thinking that everything your child does wrong is the fault of the company he or she is keeping.
37] Marrying the first person who offers a position in society. Love can wait.
38] Always saying “I tried”, even though you haven’t tried at all.
39] Putting off doing the most interesting things in life until you no longer have the strength to do them.
40] Avoiding depression with massive daily doses of television programs.
41] Believing that it is possible to be sure of everything you have won.
42] Thinking that women don’t like football and that men don’t like interior decoration.
43] Blaming the government for everything bad that happens.
44] Being convinced that being a good, decent and respectful person means that the others will find you weak, vulnerable and easy to manipulate.
45] Being convinced that aggressiveness and discourtesy in treating others are signs of a powerful personality.
46] Being afraid of fibroscopy (men) and childbirth (women).
47] And finally, thinking that your religion is the sole proprietor of the absolute truth, the most important, the best, and that the other human beings in this immense planet who believe in any other manifestation of God are condemned to the fires of hell.
________________________
Freeze...............
Once again, I'm frozen. I have to see what the future of my future brings. Once more, after a few moments of peace...I'm once again into this maze of confusion, trapped and still weighing if I would escape this self-made bars. I had contacted the deepest part of me and consulted about this harsh realities but it seems that my core is also frozen and is not able to respond.
I get annoyed with this kind of situation. I want to leap froward from one stone to another and I want to cast away this reluctance removing all these unwanted fears of an unexplained dumbness. Yes, I am so so dumb. I am only good at meeting peoples expectation, good at giving advises that work most of the time. The worst part is always that theory not being applicable personally. I suck at it...
I made introspection and realized what is holding me to leap upon these rocks carelessly. It is that small eyes smiling at me with great innocence of what's to come, unmindful of the danger that her Mother could bring if she decides unwittingly. The fear is not for me but for this little lad whose future depends on how I can decide intelligently against this scarred emotion that usually takes a look only of its own selfish desires. This emotion is overwhelmingly taking over the gracious dispositions of mind. The peaceful mental state is overtaken by this pain and confusion is born out of suppressed desire to go far and explore. These are desires that had built up over the years because of endless endeavors that aren't supported by fate.
When the core decides to explode, the body is weakened by it's unexpected strength. Those unrecognized dreams persistently longed to be pursued....and when do I think I can get out of this? I don't know yet cause I'm still commanded by my own volition to hold up and FREEZE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I get annoyed with this kind of situation. I want to leap froward from one stone to another and I want to cast away this reluctance removing all these unwanted fears of an unexplained dumbness. Yes, I am so so dumb. I am only good at meeting peoples expectation, good at giving advises that work most of the time. The worst part is always that theory not being applicable personally. I suck at it...
I made introspection and realized what is holding me to leap upon these rocks carelessly. It is that small eyes smiling at me with great innocence of what's to come, unmindful of the danger that her Mother could bring if she decides unwittingly. The fear is not for me but for this little lad whose future depends on how I can decide intelligently against this scarred emotion that usually takes a look only of its own selfish desires. This emotion is overwhelmingly taking over the gracious dispositions of mind. The peaceful mental state is overtaken by this pain and confusion is born out of suppressed desire to go far and explore. These are desires that had built up over the years because of endless endeavors that aren't supported by fate.
When the core decides to explode, the body is weakened by it's unexpected strength. Those unrecognized dreams persistently longed to be pursued....and when do I think I can get out of this? I don't know yet cause I'm still commanded by my own volition to hold up and FREEZE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Tired and Stranded
Ah, I'm too stressed with what is going on with my life. I can't believe I am glued to something that can't be resolved overnight. I keep thinking about it night and day, day and night but have no way out. My partner and my kid will pay me a visit soon. I am excited with the idea at the same time bothered of what could be life like if I will let them stay.
If they will stay maybe It could somehow ease the feeling of loneliness. I cannot identify though if I felt homesick or I just felt a need to change the course of my journey. However, If I'd be honest to myself and say I am more afraid of changes; I could debate that feeling as well. I'd be fooling myself in this case.
Why do I have to fear? To note, even If I won't change a thing but destined to be that way, it will really happen no matter what. There is no escape. Every path leads to that destiny anyway. Fearing it, will just surely create apprehensions, reluctance and worst of all... pessimism.
The last would be my greatest enemy. It will take me off the course, lead me to somewhere in the middle of the hay stack and pin me down there so I wouldn't be able to find my way out.
It had been a decade since I first tasted the negativity of my thoughts. Almost all things that I see, touch, and feel bore a certain doubt at the back of my mind.
It was over now, but to recall it sends shivers down my spine. I remember exactly how it felt. It was like being in an elevator, where the cruel four corners slowly squeezed me to the very core. It felt like the space gotten tighter and smaller everyday. It was like I was facing an unrecognized face in the mirrored wall and shadows of unformed future and untamed feeling haunted me, wanting to escape but cannot. It was like running back and forth with no direction, endlessly moving up and down wanting to alter its course but cannot. People came in and out in that elevator and just as expected, no one stayed....
Being stuck in one place, I hopelessly reached out for no one in particular. Harshly, It took me awhile before I saw the glimpsed of hope. Somebody walked into my life, shoved himself inside a small hole. Like an unexpected God's force, he took me out from the dark.
I was taken out of my steels, detached from the pillars. Some parts shattered in the process but thankfully, with his help I succeeded to be whole again.
Now I understand perfectly why I dread that to happen again. I just can't. Now that somebody depended on me. Now that somebody gets to smile innocently knowing that she has a loving mother who would be willing to fight for her destiny, braving storms to cradle her in the arms and be safe eternally.
She doesn't know that now for she is too young. Hopefully, she will know in the end.
I know for sure that to struggle to be one loving mother would definitely require me to forget my feelings today and instead think about only one thing that matters...my kid.
Thank God for having her because I definitely, consciously, and anxiously watch over my step now afraid to fall into the trap of negativity again. For I can't afford to see her walking alone in this harsh world, dripping with rain of harsh realities and helplessly choosing between the complex road in her would be bumpy journey. Thinking about the emotional trail she would be trekking someday, I cannot just let myself feel what I want to feel even if I feel that it is truly what I feel. I just have to deny my own feelings for the love of her and will constantly pray that her journey wouldn't be as bumpy as my journey.
If they will stay maybe It could somehow ease the feeling of loneliness. I cannot identify though if I felt homesick or I just felt a need to change the course of my journey. However, If I'd be honest to myself and say I am more afraid of changes; I could debate that feeling as well. I'd be fooling myself in this case.
Why do I have to fear? To note, even If I won't change a thing but destined to be that way, it will really happen no matter what. There is no escape. Every path leads to that destiny anyway. Fearing it, will just surely create apprehensions, reluctance and worst of all... pessimism.
The last would be my greatest enemy. It will take me off the course, lead me to somewhere in the middle of the hay stack and pin me down there so I wouldn't be able to find my way out.
It had been a decade since I first tasted the negativity of my thoughts. Almost all things that I see, touch, and feel bore a certain doubt at the back of my mind.
It was over now, but to recall it sends shivers down my spine. I remember exactly how it felt. It was like being in an elevator, where the cruel four corners slowly squeezed me to the very core. It felt like the space gotten tighter and smaller everyday. It was like I was facing an unrecognized face in the mirrored wall and shadows of unformed future and untamed feeling haunted me, wanting to escape but cannot. It was like running back and forth with no direction, endlessly moving up and down wanting to alter its course but cannot. People came in and out in that elevator and just as expected, no one stayed....
Being stuck in one place, I hopelessly reached out for no one in particular. Harshly, It took me awhile before I saw the glimpsed of hope. Somebody walked into my life, shoved himself inside a small hole. Like an unexpected God's force, he took me out from the dark.
I was taken out of my steels, detached from the pillars. Some parts shattered in the process but thankfully, with his help I succeeded to be whole again.
Now I understand perfectly why I dread that to happen again. I just can't. Now that somebody depended on me. Now that somebody gets to smile innocently knowing that she has a loving mother who would be willing to fight for her destiny, braving storms to cradle her in the arms and be safe eternally.
She doesn't know that now for she is too young. Hopefully, she will know in the end.
I know for sure that to struggle to be one loving mother would definitely require me to forget my feelings today and instead think about only one thing that matters...my kid.
Thank God for having her because I definitely, consciously, and anxiously watch over my step now afraid to fall into the trap of negativity again. For I can't afford to see her walking alone in this harsh world, dripping with rain of harsh realities and helplessly choosing between the complex road in her would be bumpy journey. Thinking about the emotional trail she would be trekking someday, I cannot just let myself feel what I want to feel even if I feel that it is truly what I feel. I just have to deny my own feelings for the love of her and will constantly pray that her journey wouldn't be as bumpy as my journey.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Great Morning
I happened to listen to Broadcast Bureau this morning and got awed by the simplicity of the program presentation. It was just like listening to a small talk grounded with music using a personal network connection.
I texted, and they texted back asking for my name. I was thinking, well everyone should have a name as I join the junk of texters probably asking for a song to be played. However I was wrong... the style can't be a piece of junk. I felt there was just how many of us trying to reminisce the past but I could not be sure. I was thinking, maybe oldies from the high society of the metropolis listened too; or there could be more of me not young but not too old. All of us must have gotten a glimpsed of the past through our parents...yap, the past because the jock who sounded old, played songs from my Father's era. Wow! His pace was just too laid back, slow but not boring...and it was just like a voice of an aged person wanting to communicate his own passion for music that the society seemed to have forgotten overtime; talking about artist known perhaps by 5 percent of the present populace. And being first timer to the station, I managed to stay glued for another 5 minutes and I had noticed it was addicting. Maybe because Im beginning to age and my choice of music just shifted accordingly. But no, the truth was I felt a different sensation. I felt an urge to text again and tell them I want to do time travel and listen to the song sitting beside my Dad. In fact I did, towards the end of the show.
Figuratively, It roused a feeling of getting back to the past, a feeling that was never evoked when I became a DJ myself seventeen years ago. Of course I cant deny that there was a feeling of Nostalgia whenever I hear songs from the past and it pained me again.
The feeling this mornng though wasn't painful at all. It was inspiring me to lay down and imagine things, good memories specifically that of my Dad. Well. maybe part of it was of my Mom....and it felt good than bad.
In fact, I must admit that It was a do-away from the usual and noisy mornings I had with Mojo JOJo, Dj Mo and Grace. I realized, I only listened to them because I like to be curius each day how CoNiO's think about many things in life and be able to identify the difference of their views from that of the ordinary people. It's more of wanting to analyze the gap between the two facets of reality; that between the rich and the poor.
Magic's morning programming and those stations with the same format is likely for my brain but that of BB and other stations with such format is for my heart. If you want to try and see for yourself you can listen to the morning show at 104.3 Broadcast Bureau.
Tell me if we have different outlook.
I texted, and they texted back asking for my name. I was thinking, well everyone should have a name as I join the junk of texters probably asking for a song to be played. However I was wrong... the style can't be a piece of junk. I felt there was just how many of us trying to reminisce the past but I could not be sure. I was thinking, maybe oldies from the high society of the metropolis listened too; or there could be more of me not young but not too old. All of us must have gotten a glimpsed of the past through our parents...yap, the past because the jock who sounded old, played songs from my Father's era. Wow! His pace was just too laid back, slow but not boring...and it was just like a voice of an aged person wanting to communicate his own passion for music that the society seemed to have forgotten overtime; talking about artist known perhaps by 5 percent of the present populace. And being first timer to the station, I managed to stay glued for another 5 minutes and I had noticed it was addicting. Maybe because Im beginning to age and my choice of music just shifted accordingly. But no, the truth was I felt a different sensation. I felt an urge to text again and tell them I want to do time travel and listen to the song sitting beside my Dad. In fact I did, towards the end of the show.
Figuratively, It roused a feeling of getting back to the past, a feeling that was never evoked when I became a DJ myself seventeen years ago. Of course I cant deny that there was a feeling of Nostalgia whenever I hear songs from the past and it pained me again.
The feeling this mornng though wasn't painful at all. It was inspiring me to lay down and imagine things, good memories specifically that of my Dad. Well. maybe part of it was of my Mom....and it felt good than bad.
In fact, I must admit that It was a do-away from the usual and noisy mornings I had with Mojo JOJo, Dj Mo and Grace. I realized, I only listened to them because I like to be curius each day how CoNiO's think about many things in life and be able to identify the difference of their views from that of the ordinary people. It's more of wanting to analyze the gap between the two facets of reality; that between the rich and the poor.
Magic's morning programming and those stations with the same format is likely for my brain but that of BB and other stations with such format is for my heart. If you want to try and see for yourself you can listen to the morning show at 104.3 Broadcast Bureau.
Tell me if we have different outlook.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
BLEAK
Looking at the days of February 2011, I cant believe I had the most realization so far. Three weeks ago, I went to visit Iligan, the very first place I spent my days with after graduation. I had a lot of friends there, some of them I remembered by name but not by faces or maybe vice versa.
I remembered way back 1997, I went on a pact with a friend. We agreed to meet again in the same place in the year 2016. This would be after 20 years if we count way back that year. My recent vacation there suddenly made me realize how bleak the future is. That friend I am supposed to meet is definitely not going there on that designated date. She is dead. The landmark that we agreed on is no longer there. Though I can still define the boundaries, I cant deny the fact that it totally looked different now. So there would be no point of going there in 2016. It will just make matters worst. I can tell. If only ghost can walk and talk...I will surely be there.
I was with my little girl and my husband who is coincidentally from that place. Though, we did not meet there; it is amazing that he always remind me of my life there 13 years ago. My lifetime bestfriend is also from there too. She was partly the reason why I visited that place.
Though it was supposed to be a feel-good trip, It created a nostalgic feeling instead. Yeah, there were a couple of friends and a couple of places to remember. However they just made me feel the empty space even more, that space vacated by one special friend.
The pact was a great mistake after all. We should have never agreed on it in the first place I guess. It is just making things a little heavy these days. The trip could have been refreshing if not for the emotions it evoked. I remembered good times that felt like bad times, too many memorable places that felt good when not remembered at all. They reminded me of memories that were too good but as the future took over, became spoiled and screwed up. By my own definition, good memories collectively means heartache down memory lane.
Thus, I should say the future is really bleak. The future of 1997 had already taken place, took a toll on me, stressed and pained me..if there is such a word as pained...In fact things that I did not expect to happen happened, there were a number of those If I should recall and I remember losing control over them. When I say lost control, I mean I got totally crazy at one point but fortunately got back my sanity over a number of self medication and therapy.
Let me hold my breath now for the future of that future. Let me reserve a space in my imagination that somehow, the good times that turned bad will eventually proved to be better than good. Let me hope for the bleakness of the future to just be a temporal thing, so that I would not consider that part of my life as the dark Age, recession, pandemonium, etc....Personally today, I think it would be unfair for me to tag such terminologies to one of the most important places in my life but there is a need for me to acknowledge these feelings I had after that visit....I could be wrong of course and I will realize that in the bleak future. Hopefully...
I remembered way back 1997, I went on a pact with a friend. We agreed to meet again in the same place in the year 2016. This would be after 20 years if we count way back that year. My recent vacation there suddenly made me realize how bleak the future is. That friend I am supposed to meet is definitely not going there on that designated date. She is dead. The landmark that we agreed on is no longer there. Though I can still define the boundaries, I cant deny the fact that it totally looked different now. So there would be no point of going there in 2016. It will just make matters worst. I can tell. If only ghost can walk and talk...I will surely be there.
I was with my little girl and my husband who is coincidentally from that place. Though, we did not meet there; it is amazing that he always remind me of my life there 13 years ago. My lifetime bestfriend is also from there too. She was partly the reason why I visited that place.
Though it was supposed to be a feel-good trip, It created a nostalgic feeling instead. Yeah, there were a couple of friends and a couple of places to remember. However they just made me feel the empty space even more, that space vacated by one special friend.
The pact was a great mistake after all. We should have never agreed on it in the first place I guess. It is just making things a little heavy these days. The trip could have been refreshing if not for the emotions it evoked. I remembered good times that felt like bad times, too many memorable places that felt good when not remembered at all. They reminded me of memories that were too good but as the future took over, became spoiled and screwed up. By my own definition, good memories collectively means heartache down memory lane.
Thus, I should say the future is really bleak. The future of 1997 had already taken place, took a toll on me, stressed and pained me..if there is such a word as pained...In fact things that I did not expect to happen happened, there were a number of those If I should recall and I remember losing control over them. When I say lost control, I mean I got totally crazy at one point but fortunately got back my sanity over a number of self medication and therapy.
Let me hold my breath now for the future of that future. Let me reserve a space in my imagination that somehow, the good times that turned bad will eventually proved to be better than good. Let me hope for the bleakness of the future to just be a temporal thing, so that I would not consider that part of my life as the dark Age, recession, pandemonium, etc....Personally today, I think it would be unfair for me to tag such terminologies to one of the most important places in my life but there is a need for me to acknowledge these feelings I had after that visit....I could be wrong of course and I will realize that in the bleak future. Hopefully...
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
What's your view? Share it!
A month ago, I was listening to DJ Mo's K-Bee morning show. The question was..." Do you know of somebody aged 15-35 who's not into internet? Not exactly this but meant like this...and there were callers commenting with different views about those who doesn't like the internet and is basically enjoying other things. May sinabi si Mo sa isang caller...hindi ko exactly ma-recall how he delivered it but hindi ko kinaya yong comment. It might be too much excitement about the topic and the desire to give a palong palo statement. Hindi ko alam.
It was for a husband na nagsabing asawa niya wala man lang e-mail...and Mo said..."and you intend to be with her for the rest of your life? (sort of like that, ganun yong dating) I dont know what he meant by that line, pero kung tama ang pagkakaintindi ko....I dont know what to say.
Is internet really that big, that if you know someone who's not into it , it would eventually make him/her less of a person?
Priorities differ. It's a personal decision. If Mo's life is all about the internet, (by the way, he said he has a new Apple Computer which he wasn't able to turn off for a week since he bought it) and nobody commented about that, then wala naman sigurong dahilan para mag comment siya ng ganun sa asawa nung caller niya. (Personally kung ama ng anak ko nasa internet lagi at hindi na naaalala yong anak nya...then he's not a good father...Im not referring to MO, but the situation) I think pag nasa radyo tayo, we have to be responsible for what we have to say. Being on a Radio specially on a talk show like that is not a privilege of being able to say what we wanted to say. We have responsibilities to take for being able to talk about issues without influencing the public of our own personal view. If we think our view is adorable, then maybe it is good to set a reasonable doubt that somehow to others it is not. we should think of another way to say it.
We cannot just assume. We have around 88 to 90 million heads with 88 to 90 million ideas or more spinning around the world of logic. If we say, opinion ko 'to and nobody has the right to say I'm wrong then you're definitely wrong. Basically because, you blurted out an opinion to outweigh somebody else's opinion. In this case kasi, as a mother I can see the reason bakit hindi nag iinternet yong asawa nung caller. That is because she wants to focus on her family and her family's priorities, or it could be hindi niya feel yong internet. Who knows? Kaya nga, it is too fragile to judge her kasi we don't know the person. Sabihin na natin na hindi ganun yong ibig sabihin ni MO. But what could it be? I'm a listener to that program. I become too familiar with Mo's view. Malamang sa hindi yong kutob ko is in line dun sa mga hirit niya. ( Hi, Mo! peace tayo) but I cannot just sit, listen and make it pass. (sabihin ni Mo, ok you may have your one minute of fame by writing about me hehehe) I was once a broadcaster. I have had full eight to ten years of learning what is and what is not in the industry. Media plays an important if not the most important role in the society. It could make or break us.
The biggest challenge of parents nowadays is how to set studies as the main priority not the internet. Dj Mo, said " Internet is life" Yes, it could be true. However, saying that over the Radio, would somehow change outlooks. Hindi natin maexplain fully kung bakit natin nasabi yon. Teenagers are so vulnerable. They are vulnerable to what they see, they are also vulnerable to technology as how they are vulnerable to peer pressure, what's in and what's not. Gone are the days na ang uso is what's right and what's not. Basta ba gusto ni bessy, gusto ko na rin. In Korea, the government is focusing now on how to change public's view of the internet It is their main challenge, and I can feel that it is slowly happening here in the Philippines. Korea is ten years ahead of us in this thing.
I have talked to one Korean mother, she is my student in one of the Language Schools here in the Philippines...she said and I quote " I cannot even get my son to play outdoor. I want them to experience my happy childhood, but they can't, simply because they can't see anyone of their age playing outside too." This is very sad reality. Socialization can be processed using the internet but how very little it could be compared to personal interaction.
The reason I want to bring this topic up in my own little way (late na nga 'to eh) is a personal awareness of the issues involving teenagers hooked to the internet, staying in the internet cafe for three days just eating nothing but noodles. I know of a place like that in Cagayan de Oro and even here in Manila. I have to admit, I am one of the avid fan of the internet especially facebook, mainly because I miss my family and friends. However, I know my limitation. I don't stay that long. So, the bottom line there is respect to those who are not using it. Let us respect parents' decision to say to their children that internet can ruin their lives. It maybe true or not, the thing is we respect the kind of life they are leading, the kind of path they are choosing for their children.
Till next note!
Barbara
(edit nyo na lang)
VERY SOON!
Journal: April 2008
I call it VERY SOON....
(Note: It did came!)
I might be sad today but I want to think I will be happy in the future. In fact, I am already on my way. There are moments when I am with my baby that I surely feel I really am fulfilled but not yet really happy.
I call it VERY SOON because I can see it coming and I can even feel a bit of it now.
I tried viewing and reflecting on how life had been for me. My past postings amazingly reflect the evolution of happiness in my life. Though I am getting there, my blogs made me feel so nostalgic again.
It is quite confusing also that while one wants to be happy, the other side of him wants to get back to those sad moments where there were emotion playing in the background. Maybe because those times are real, were real and will be remembered dearly. I can only count a few intense moments in my life and I can see that I had been deeply saddened and hurt, all because either I was not given the love that I want; deprived of the affection that i thought would make me complete; or it was because I lost those who loved me unconditionally.
Come to think of it....I got an unrequited love for so many years; I lost my sister whose life had been an open user manual of how life should be lived; I lost my niece who was so dear to me in a very unwanted death; and finally, I lost my MOM whom I have been taking my strength from all these years.... All of these took place in the last two decades in my life. Worst of all I cant help but feel that I will soon be losing my Dad too. (He died July 2008, 3 months after I wrote this) It sucked.
The feeling of being so broken and fragmented made me realize i have to look forward. I have to stand straight and I have to look past the heartaches and pain. I asked myself all the time " and then what Barbara? Where are you now in this freakin' kaleidoscope? Are you getting there? Or are you delving much deeper into the maze? "
The answer would always come out so UNCERTAIN. and I am lost. But I figured out there is already NO way out. This is it ... Life is a maze and you've got to play around, work around, and be happy in losing some and winning some.
And now there came Celine. My Georgia whose smiles lighten up my day. I cant even imagine spending my time so much in looking for persons who can make me happy; on spending time thinking who coulf fill out the emptiness in my heart, when the answer lies simply on her laughter, her giggles, and her humorous remarks that doesn't even make sense.
Life has been become simpler when she came along. Instead of looking for happiness and selfish appreciation...LIFE is now all about working hard for HER future. Suddenly, I feel not worrying about my future but HER future. Of making her the PERSON so different from the "ME" that I carried along the way. I just want her not to go through the things I have gone through...worried that she might not be able to cope...
My nights are spent in thinking how I can always be there for her should the time comes that life will begin to be so HARD for her . I clasped my hands all the time in prayer that she will be spared from my sadness and that she will grow up getting all the LOVE that she can get and the appreciation she deserves.
See? This is so far from the burden I had before which are selfishly shaped in my heart over the years. This is the different side of ME that popped out because of the amazing GIFT GOD has given me.
And everything just dawned on me right now.
For all the mothers out there...Kudos!
and to the LATE ANA VALLAR CENA....My great last respect.
My love will be with you in eternity.
I call it VERY SOON....
(Note: It did came!)
I might be sad today but I want to think I will be happy in the future. In fact, I am already on my way. There are moments when I am with my baby that I surely feel I really am fulfilled but not yet really happy.
I call it VERY SOON because I can see it coming and I can even feel a bit of it now.
I tried viewing and reflecting on how life had been for me. My past postings amazingly reflect the evolution of happiness in my life. Though I am getting there, my blogs made me feel so nostalgic again.
It is quite confusing also that while one wants to be happy, the other side of him wants to get back to those sad moments where there were emotion playing in the background. Maybe because those times are real, were real and will be remembered dearly. I can only count a few intense moments in my life and I can see that I had been deeply saddened and hurt, all because either I was not given the love that I want; deprived of the affection that i thought would make me complete; or it was because I lost those who loved me unconditionally.
Come to think of it....I got an unrequited love for so many years; I lost my sister whose life had been an open user manual of how life should be lived; I lost my niece who was so dear to me in a very unwanted death; and finally, I lost my MOM whom I have been taking my strength from all these years.... All of these took place in the last two decades in my life. Worst of all I cant help but feel that I will soon be losing my Dad too. (He died July 2008, 3 months after I wrote this) It sucked.
The feeling of being so broken and fragmented made me realize i have to look forward. I have to stand straight and I have to look past the heartaches and pain. I asked myself all the time " and then what Barbara? Where are you now in this freakin' kaleidoscope? Are you getting there? Or are you delving much deeper into the maze? "
The answer would always come out so UNCERTAIN. and I am lost. But I figured out there is already NO way out. This is it ... Life is a maze and you've got to play around, work around, and be happy in losing some and winning some.
And now there came Celine. My Georgia whose smiles lighten up my day. I cant even imagine spending my time so much in looking for persons who can make me happy; on spending time thinking who coulf fill out the emptiness in my heart, when the answer lies simply on her laughter, her giggles, and her humorous remarks that doesn't even make sense.
Life has been become simpler when she came along. Instead of looking for happiness and selfish appreciation...LIFE is now all about working hard for HER future. Suddenly, I feel not worrying about my future but HER future. Of making her the PERSON so different from the "ME" that I carried along the way. I just want her not to go through the things I have gone through...worried that she might not be able to cope...
My nights are spent in thinking how I can always be there for her should the time comes that life will begin to be so HARD for her . I clasped my hands all the time in prayer that she will be spared from my sadness and that she will grow up getting all the LOVE that she can get and the appreciation she deserves.
See? This is so far from the burden I had before which are selfishly shaped in my heart over the years. This is the different side of ME that popped out because of the amazing GIFT GOD has given me.
And everything just dawned on me right now.
For all the mothers out there...Kudos!
and to the LATE ANA VALLAR CENA....My great last respect.
My love will be with you in eternity.
I LOVE YOU GOODBYE....
Journal:
June 20, 2006
*********************************************8
Gone are the days that I kept wanting you.
Gone are the nights that I ran out of lead writing about you.
Gone are the tears that I shed for you.
Gone are the arms designed only to embrace you.
Past were the days I spent thinking of you.
Past were the nights of helplessly dreaming about you.
Past were the tears I shed for love unreciprocated.
Past were the arms left empty waiting for what you'd have to say.
Left are the days of letting you go.
Left are the nights feeling happy that finally I have set you free.
Left are the tears of joy having loved you unconditionally.
Left are the arms clasped in prayer...that hopefully you will be happy where you'll be.
This is perhaps a mundane farewell, for in my heart i know this love is real
but I will be in real peace ....if you have found your own dwelling place.
June 20, 2006
*********************************************8
Gone are the days that I kept wanting you.
Gone are the nights that I ran out of lead writing about you.
Gone are the tears that I shed for you.
Gone are the arms designed only to embrace you.
Past were the days I spent thinking of you.
Past were the nights of helplessly dreaming about you.
Past were the tears I shed for love unreciprocated.
Past were the arms left empty waiting for what you'd have to say.
Left are the days of letting you go.
Left are the nights feeling happy that finally I have set you free.
Left are the tears of joy having loved you unconditionally.
Left are the arms clasped in prayer...that hopefully you will be happy where you'll be.
This is perhaps a mundane farewell, for in my heart i know this love is real
but I will be in real peace ....if you have found your own dwelling place.
LIFE is a KALEIDOSCOPE
I'm beating around the bush...I don't know how to conclude and redirect my thoughts but it feels good than staying in one corner and thinking about nothing at all!
Journal: April 04, 2006
Life, my favorite topic.
Today, here is what I am thinking.
Every individual is on/in a process. (it depends on how big it is, cause it could be small too, we'll never know).
Every person we know is part of our own process as we are also a part in each of their own process. Each has its own role to play and each has its own limitation to make it happen. Anything extended is a violation to the process. That is why if someone says goodbye, he has to go. If not, he might alter the course and ruin the process along the way.
Each deliver an unconscious effort which explains further failures and successes. For no one in particular knows the role he is supposed to play. It is by seemingly countless interlocking of several processes that things become too complicated. That is why, we need to pause for a moment and determine when to start and when to stop.
These complications tangle and eventually cause pain and confusion.
Here, the primary actor (there is no particular primary actor by the way,it could be me in my own process and you in your own process etc.) acts on no definite phase, shape, and dimension. Everyone comes and temporarily forms a pattern, then like a kaleidoscope everyone leaves to create another pattern. It is as if it is designed to continuously revolve and evolve; establishing a pattern that is supposed to be permanent. However, the process does not allow any permanent pattern and so establishing a pattern sometimes becomes senseless...
This is one reason why many people group and regroup according to their lifestyle to discuss Purpose-driven Life or any book that discusses the mediocrity or the nobility of the process. As they become so deep into the discussion, the more shallow it appears.
We seek to establish once more the important reasons why we should go on creating one pattern after another (do we have a choice anyway?). Life in this sense sometimes doesn't makes sense anymore.
One major point where pattern can be established is along one physiologic interface called emotion. From this point, people integrate and disintegrate and it is called letting in and letting go. Amusing? why do we let someone in when we only let go afterwards? When can we hold a pattern that holds true until forever? does holding a pattern for so long a violation to the nature of the process? why can't we keep the pattern of being happy for eternity? why do we have to be sad again after being happy for a while? Why can't we keep the feeling forever?
From here, you can clearly tell that my thoughts are disintegrating too...nothing to add, no further questions, no definite answer to my own queries.
...till next time.
please edit as you read...im in a hurry! :) GTG!
Journal: April 04, 2006
Life, my favorite topic.
Today, here is what I am thinking.
Every individual is on/in a process. (it depends on how big it is, cause it could be small too, we'll never know).
Every person we know is part of our own process as we are also a part in each of their own process. Each has its own role to play and each has its own limitation to make it happen. Anything extended is a violation to the process. That is why if someone says goodbye, he has to go. If not, he might alter the course and ruin the process along the way.
Each deliver an unconscious effort which explains further failures and successes. For no one in particular knows the role he is supposed to play. It is by seemingly countless interlocking of several processes that things become too complicated. That is why, we need to pause for a moment and determine when to start and when to stop.
These complications tangle and eventually cause pain and confusion.
Here, the primary actor (there is no particular primary actor by the way,it could be me in my own process and you in your own process etc.) acts on no definite phase, shape, and dimension. Everyone comes and temporarily forms a pattern, then like a kaleidoscope everyone leaves to create another pattern. It is as if it is designed to continuously revolve and evolve; establishing a pattern that is supposed to be permanent. However, the process does not allow any permanent pattern and so establishing a pattern sometimes becomes senseless...
This is one reason why many people group and regroup according to their lifestyle to discuss Purpose-driven Life or any book that discusses the mediocrity or the nobility of the process. As they become so deep into the discussion, the more shallow it appears.
We seek to establish once more the important reasons why we should go on creating one pattern after another (do we have a choice anyway?). Life in this sense sometimes doesn't makes sense anymore.
One major point where pattern can be established is along one physiologic interface called emotion. From this point, people integrate and disintegrate and it is called letting in and letting go. Amusing? why do we let someone in when we only let go afterwards? When can we hold a pattern that holds true until forever? does holding a pattern for so long a violation to the nature of the process? why can't we keep the pattern of being happy for eternity? why do we have to be sad again after being happy for a while? Why can't we keep the feeling forever?
From here, you can clearly tell that my thoughts are disintegrating too...nothing to add, no further questions, no definite answer to my own queries.
...till next time.
please edit as you read...im in a hurry! :) GTG!
BEING IN LOVE...Warning!
Being in love
(This is not mine, I just read it today dun sa ebook nung friend ko, akin naman yong mga side comments "in italics" though hehehe)
LOVE......
Activates Dopamine. A stimulant that makes you feel exhilarated.(which explains why you could actually jog a ten-mile stretch going to your guy's apartment).
Love.....
Sparks activity here and there within the dopamine area and you get addicted to it (hehe amazing that you could go as high as cloud 9, or sky rocket downwards to California Death Valley, swim through the Marianas Trench or butt race at Ilamas Ridge)
LOVE....
Cranks up production of Testosterone, a libido ruling hormone. (which is a good explanation of my friend's 13-round sexual marathon. hahaha wish i can keep her name a secret. Right wave 58?)
LOVE....
Puts Amygdala in slo-mo. A part of the brain associated with fear.(that is why you need not ask why you can snick out during wee hours through a 13-storey fire-exit just to be with him or even make love in a wash room of an airplane pretending to throw up while your guy throws down. (weird yet exciting) I haven't tried though. )
LOVE.....
Switch on Norepinephrine. Keeping a laser focused at details about your man. (Hmm, reason why Aline can't just get even a minute nap once i bombard her with stories about my man and my man alone. Looks like everyone else is left-over)
In simple equation,
Love....
Can actually make you spend 24x7x52xforever figuring out what He meant by "see you later" , or even " see you around" , and worst " see you when i see you" ( haller!!! why can't you figure it out?)
By the way, feelings like this can actually last up to 18 months. More than that? hay naku AGOG ka na talaga. ANGATS ang show inday. and OBUG na jud ang dating. hehehehe. Don't worry i went through this nung bata pa ako. Pa effect lang ko.
Looking Back!
Warning! This is too cheesy. Refrain from looking at your computer screen. Click on the exit button and move to the next page.
This letter was created five years ago...I wrote this when I met the father of my baby. I was hurting that time and wishing somebody will come and pick me up. I had been so emotional that I kept a journal of my everyday journey. One good thing when you have a journal is that it can let you look back...and here I go. Indeed, things happen as they happen. I am not yet sure if he is going to stay with me until forever but at least I had been redeemed and was able to survive the odds of falling out of love.
Open letter: To Gregorio
My journey is so confusing and if i may exaggerate it, (when in reality i cannot), it is a kaleidoscope of blurry yet colorful visual effects interlocking and interlocking infinitely with one another. I am in no doubt settled in a haystack that exist only in my world. It could be an illusion, or a hallucination resulting from a disintegrating emotional experience.
Looking at...this is not really me and this was not really the way I was leading decades back. I have traveled that far and the contracts of the past still affects me now (which is actually the future of the past). I have loved, truly given that loved away and something must have gone wrong... and from then on everything became bleak. This is me... and sad to say, this is/was me when you found me. From the haystack i see you, and you have found me. I see you through my heart, and you have seen me through your eyes. That's how it is. I am blinded by my pain but your light saved me. I am not good at making anybody stay but I am in a delightful feeling knowing that I don't have to beg you to stay...'coz i can see it in your eyes. You will stay.
(Note: Feelings seemed eternal. Pain seemed lasting...but let me tell you...Ive been there and settled there for long that I thought I would not be able to get out. I even called it kaleidoscope. That was how confusing it was for me. There was so many colorful exits that leads to nowhere, so many precious starts that ends with pain)
This letter was created five years ago...I wrote this when I met the father of my baby. I was hurting that time and wishing somebody will come and pick me up. I had been so emotional that I kept a journal of my everyday journey. One good thing when you have a journal is that it can let you look back...and here I go. Indeed, things happen as they happen. I am not yet sure if he is going to stay with me until forever but at least I had been redeemed and was able to survive the odds of falling out of love.
Open letter: To Gregorio
My journey is so confusing and if i may exaggerate it, (when in reality i cannot), it is a kaleidoscope of blurry yet colorful visual effects interlocking and interlocking infinitely with one another. I am in no doubt settled in a haystack that exist only in my world. It could be an illusion, or a hallucination resulting from a disintegrating emotional experience.
Looking at...this is not really me and this was not really the way I was leading decades back. I have traveled that far and the contracts of the past still affects me now (which is actually the future of the past). I have loved, truly given that loved away and something must have gone wrong... and from then on everything became bleak. This is me... and sad to say, this is/was me when you found me. From the haystack i see you, and you have found me. I see you through my heart, and you have seen me through your eyes. That's how it is. I am blinded by my pain but your light saved me. I am not good at making anybody stay but I am in a delightful feeling knowing that I don't have to beg you to stay...'coz i can see it in your eyes. You will stay.
(Note: Feelings seemed eternal. Pain seemed lasting...but let me tell you...Ive been there and settled there for long that I thought I would not be able to get out. I even called it kaleidoscope. That was how confusing it was for me. There was so many colorful exits that leads to nowhere, so many precious starts that ends with pain)
LET IT GO!
This is beautiful. Read it to the end...the message is awesome!!!
(I am into a letting go journey... and this makes me feel good. Sometimes i have the tendency of begging people to stay... and all the time it makes me upset or more than that. Everytime they push and force their way out. Sometimes I get too pre-occupied that I do not exactly notice changes overtaking me and so are the people around me..... and it's sad that staying is the last thing on their mind- Barbara)
(I am into a letting go journey... and this makes me feel good. Sometimes i have the tendency of begging people to stay... and all the time it makes me upset or more than that. Everytime they push and force their way out. Sometimes I get too pre-occupied that I do not exactly notice changes overtaking me and so are the people around me..... and it's sad that staying is the last thing on their mind- Barbara)
LET it GO!
By T. D. Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for
us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 J ohn 2:19]
us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 J ohn 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life,
then you need to......
then you need to......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......
LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and
see your worth.....
see your worth.....
LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you ........
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents
LET IT GO!!!
If you! u have a bad attitude.......
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......
LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves......
LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed .........
LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to......
LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing NOW !!!
LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then .
LET IT GO!!!
"The Battle is the Lord's!"
Autumn in my Heart
.....For a long time i did not know what season I had been through. Dumbfounded for a while, I chose to stay alive deep inside while deadly wind hurling in the outside. It has been years, and I realized Autumn had passed and the moment I had been waiting for will be here soon... Autumn will come to an end and spring will bring me back to life again...but the vision is always bleak I am hoping that life will suddenly give misery ...an astounding break.....
I stared at the paragraph I created years back. I could not believe I was this desperate. Looking at it now is like looking at a stranger. I can't believe I've surpassed it. It is even harder to believe that I had been through this stage. Amazingly, I could just sigh with great relief that I did not do something stupid.
People in general do not take journals of their feelings as they go along. Some will just eventually forget the pain and just move forward. However, this gives me a different perspective. This must have been the most bumpy moment in my life and I just can't believe I made it through.
I stared at the paragraph I created years back. I could not believe I was this desperate. Looking at it now is like looking at a stranger. I can't believe I've surpassed it. It is even harder to believe that I had been through this stage. Amazingly, I could just sigh with great relief that I did not do something stupid.
People in general do not take journals of their feelings as they go along. Some will just eventually forget the pain and just move forward. However, this gives me a different perspective. This must have been the most bumpy moment in my life and I just can't believe I made it through.
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