Ah, I'm too stressed with what is going on with my life. I can't believe I am glued to something that can't be resolved overnight. I keep thinking about it night and day, day and night but have no way out. My partner and my kid will pay me a visit soon. I am excited with the idea at the same time bothered of what could be life like if I will let them stay.
If they will stay maybe It could somehow ease the feeling of loneliness. I cannot identify though if I felt homesick or I just felt a need to change the course of my journey. However, If I'd be honest to myself and say I am more afraid of changes; I could debate that feeling as well. I'd be fooling myself in this case.
Why do I have to fear? To note, even If I won't change a thing but destined to be that way, it will really happen no matter what. There is no escape. Every path leads to that destiny anyway. Fearing it, will just surely create apprehensions, reluctance and worst of all... pessimism.
The last would be my greatest enemy. It will take me off the course, lead me to somewhere in the middle of the hay stack and pin me down there so I wouldn't be able to find my way out.
It had been a decade since I first tasted the negativity of my thoughts. Almost all things that I see, touch, and feel bore a certain doubt at the back of my mind.
It was over now, but to recall it sends shivers down my spine. I remember exactly how it felt. It was like being in an elevator, where the cruel four corners slowly squeezed me to the very core. It felt like the space gotten tighter and smaller everyday. It was like I was facing an unrecognized face in the mirrored wall and shadows of unformed future and untamed feeling haunted me, wanting to escape but cannot. It was like running back and forth with no direction, endlessly moving up and down wanting to alter its course but cannot. People came in and out in that elevator and just as expected, no one stayed....
Being stuck in one place, I hopelessly reached out for no one in particular. Harshly, It took me awhile before I saw the glimpsed of hope. Somebody walked into my life, shoved himself inside a small hole. Like an unexpected God's force, he took me out from the dark.
I was taken out of my steels, detached from the pillars. Some parts shattered in the process but thankfully, with his help I succeeded to be whole again.
Now I understand perfectly why I dread that to happen again. I just can't. Now that somebody depended on me. Now that somebody gets to smile innocently knowing that she has a loving mother who would be willing to fight for her destiny, braving storms to cradle her in the arms and be safe eternally.
She doesn't know that now for she is too young. Hopefully, she will know in the end.
I know for sure that to struggle to be one loving mother would definitely require me to forget my feelings today and instead think about only one thing that matters...my kid.
Thank God for having her because I definitely, consciously, and anxiously watch over my step now afraid to fall into the trap of negativity again. For I can't afford to see her walking alone in this harsh world, dripping with rain of harsh realities and helplessly choosing between the complex road in her would be bumpy journey. Thinking about the emotional trail she would be trekking someday, I cannot just let myself feel what I want to feel even if I feel that it is truly what I feel. I just have to deny my own feelings for the love of her and will constantly pray that her journey wouldn't be as bumpy as my journey.
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