Journal: April 2008
I call it VERY SOON....
(Note: It did came!)
I might be sad today but I want to think I will be happy in the future. In fact, I am already on my way. There are moments when I am with my baby that I surely feel I really am fulfilled but not yet really happy.
I call it VERY SOON because I can see it coming and I can even feel a bit of it now.
I tried viewing and reflecting on how life had been for me. My past postings amazingly reflect the evolution of happiness in my life. Though I am getting there, my blogs made me feel so nostalgic again.
It is quite confusing also that while one wants to be happy, the other side of him wants to get back to those sad moments where there were emotion playing in the background. Maybe because those times are real, were real and will be remembered dearly. I can only count a few intense moments in my life and I can see that I had been deeply saddened and hurt, all because either I was not given the love that I want; deprived of the affection that i thought would make me complete; or it was because I lost those who loved me unconditionally.
Come to think of it....I got an unrequited love for so many years; I lost my sister whose life had been an open user manual of how life should be lived; I lost my niece who was so dear to me in a very unwanted death; and finally, I lost my MOM whom I have been taking my strength from all these years.... All of these took place in the last two decades in my life. Worst of all I cant help but feel that I will soon be losing my Dad too. (He died July 2008, 3 months after I wrote this) It sucked.
The feeling of being so broken and fragmented made me realize i have to look forward. I have to stand straight and I have to look past the heartaches and pain. I asked myself all the time " and then what Barbara? Where are you now in this freakin' kaleidoscope? Are you getting there? Or are you delving much deeper into the maze? "
The answer would always come out so UNCERTAIN. and I am lost. But I figured out there is already NO way out. This is it ... Life is a maze and you've got to play around, work around, and be happy in losing some and winning some.
And now there came Celine. My Georgia whose smiles lighten up my day. I cant even imagine spending my time so much in looking for persons who can make me happy; on spending time thinking who coulf fill out the emptiness in my heart, when the answer lies simply on her laughter, her giggles, and her humorous remarks that doesn't even make sense.
Life has been become simpler when she came along. Instead of looking for happiness and selfish appreciation...LIFE is now all about working hard for HER future. Suddenly, I feel not worrying about my future but HER future. Of making her the PERSON so different from the "ME" that I carried along the way. I just want her not to go through the things I have gone through...worried that she might not be able to cope...
My nights are spent in thinking how I can always be there for her should the time comes that life will begin to be so HARD for her . I clasped my hands all the time in prayer that she will be spared from my sadness and that she will grow up getting all the LOVE that she can get and the appreciation she deserves.
See? This is so far from the burden I had before which are selfishly shaped in my heart over the years. This is the different side of ME that popped out because of the amazing GIFT GOD has given me.
And everything just dawned on me right now.
For all the mothers out there...Kudos!
and to the LATE ANA VALLAR CENA....My great last respect.
My love will be with you in eternity.
I call it VERY SOON....
(Note: It did came!)
I might be sad today but I want to think I will be happy in the future. In fact, I am already on my way. There are moments when I am with my baby that I surely feel I really am fulfilled but not yet really happy.
I call it VERY SOON because I can see it coming and I can even feel a bit of it now.
I tried viewing and reflecting on how life had been for me. My past postings amazingly reflect the evolution of happiness in my life. Though I am getting there, my blogs made me feel so nostalgic again.
It is quite confusing also that while one wants to be happy, the other side of him wants to get back to those sad moments where there were emotion playing in the background. Maybe because those times are real, were real and will be remembered dearly. I can only count a few intense moments in my life and I can see that I had been deeply saddened and hurt, all because either I was not given the love that I want; deprived of the affection that i thought would make me complete; or it was because I lost those who loved me unconditionally.
Come to think of it....I got an unrequited love for so many years; I lost my sister whose life had been an open user manual of how life should be lived; I lost my niece who was so dear to me in a very unwanted death; and finally, I lost my MOM whom I have been taking my strength from all these years.... All of these took place in the last two decades in my life. Worst of all I cant help but feel that I will soon be losing my Dad too. (He died July 2008, 3 months after I wrote this) It sucked.
The feeling of being so broken and fragmented made me realize i have to look forward. I have to stand straight and I have to look past the heartaches and pain. I asked myself all the time " and then what Barbara? Where are you now in this freakin' kaleidoscope? Are you getting there? Or are you delving much deeper into the maze? "
The answer would always come out so UNCERTAIN. and I am lost. But I figured out there is already NO way out. This is it ... Life is a maze and you've got to play around, work around, and be happy in losing some and winning some.
And now there came Celine. My Georgia whose smiles lighten up my day. I cant even imagine spending my time so much in looking for persons who can make me happy; on spending time thinking who coulf fill out the emptiness in my heart, when the answer lies simply on her laughter, her giggles, and her humorous remarks that doesn't even make sense.
Life has been become simpler when she came along. Instead of looking for happiness and selfish appreciation...LIFE is now all about working hard for HER future. Suddenly, I feel not worrying about my future but HER future. Of making her the PERSON so different from the "ME" that I carried along the way. I just want her not to go through the things I have gone through...worried that she might not be able to cope...
My nights are spent in thinking how I can always be there for her should the time comes that life will begin to be so HARD for her . I clasped my hands all the time in prayer that she will be spared from my sadness and that she will grow up getting all the LOVE that she can get and the appreciation she deserves.
See? This is so far from the burden I had before which are selfishly shaped in my heart over the years. This is the different side of ME that popped out because of the amazing GIFT GOD has given me.
And everything just dawned on me right now.
For all the mothers out there...Kudos!
and to the LATE ANA VALLAR CENA....My great last respect.
My love will be with you in eternity.
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